life.goes.on.

I am afraid. Of darkness, betrayal. Of pain, loss, failure, love, and future. Of beginning and end. I am afraid of everything. I can’t write. I can’t sing. I can’t play. I can’t breathe. I try and fight my fears; it only brings me tears. I feel so empty and lost and alone. These feelings fuel me to want. Want people, want things. Sometimes things I cannot have. When i finally grasp them, I hurt. I confuse myself in thought and confine myself in emptiness. My bitterness and stubborn beliefs force me to shut out my happiness and yet again close those cracked open doors within my soul. I settle for hot, for cold, but nothing between. In return, I am nothing but right back where I started. Lost and confused, dazed and hopeless. I struggle to understand why. I try to spread my wings only to crush myself against the paralized earth, every time. What is it that feeds this insecurity inside me, that each day takes away something different from the last? I constantly search within my heart to find strength, discipline, courage, motivation, hope; yet every time, my trembling hands reveal themselves ony to be cradling it’s shatterd form once more.

Amanda Hoffert<3
August 25, 2010

Of all the things that have never let me down in life, it’s music. But I have let music down. I wish I could go back to the day I sat there, pen to paper, and wrote something that actually made sense. I want to remember what it was that fueled my inspiration to be creative and unique. I want to go back on that stage and feel like I am meaningful to someone, and know that I am actually good at something. Someday, I want to be something. Someday, hopefully, I will. It’s just getting there that’s the hard part.. right?

“I never wanted to say this, you never wanted to stay, I put my faith in you so much faith and then you just threw it away.” -Haley Williams

New. That’s what you are to me.
Beautiful, divine.
I can’t believe I have the chance to say
That you’re all mine.
Any time I think of you
My heart will skip a beat.
Every time you touch me,
Every time our eyes meet.

New. That’s what you are to me.
You scare me more and more.
I wanna let you in my heart
And open that closed door.
I’m sorry that I badger you
With questions every day.
I like you so, I want to know
That you can also say..

I’m new. That’s what I am to you.
You like me just as much.
I stir your world up just the same
As you do with one touch.
You think about me all the time
And miss me, want me too.
Just want to hear you’re proud to be
With me, like I am you.

Amanda Hoffert
6/29/10